Losing the Weight of the World
A Spiritual Diet to Nourish the Soul
Jonathan Kramer, Ph.D.
and Diane Dunaway Kramer
Published by Doubleday;
New York London; Toronto
Sydney; Auckland
Copyright (C) 1997 Jonathan Kramer and Diane Dunaway Kramer
Permission is granted to download and reproduce Chapter 4 in part or in its entirety, for personal use or for distribution to individuals or groups without charge or restriction as long as the books title, authors, and publisher are acknowledged.
<Chapter 4
Soul Food
"Every human being has a basic nature of goodness, which is undiluted and unconfused."
--CHOGYAM TRUNGPA
Excessive self-criticism and guilt create psychological wounds. We are healed and changed when we discover our basic goodness and are nourished by it.
Hungry Souls
No matter how much success I have or how much I earn, I still don't feel like it's enough. I know I'm too demanding and self-critical, but I don't know what to do about it. My therapist says that's why I'm so picky with my family and employees-I'm just doing to them what I do to myself.
I wish I had more confidence and self-esteem. There's really no reason for it, but I have this doubting about myself. I act like I'm sure of myself, but that's just hiding how I really feel.
I know no one tells the whole truth all the time, but I still feel bad when I purposely leave things out or tell white lies. I don't know why such small things should bother me so much.
So far, we've talked about the Basic Spiritual Diet: Wherever we are, whenever we can, take a full, slow, beginning breath to be aware and a full, slow, normal breath to be present. We then continue breathing normally, maintaining awareness in the moment, to the extent possible.
Now we add the dimension of basic goodness.
What is basic goodness?
Basic goodness is food for our soul. Like a healthy and delicious entree, it nourishes, empowers, and enlivens our life. The word "goodness" itself comes from the Old English for "God."
Some of us feel goodness intimately within us; others have lost touch completely. But whether we feel it or not, basic goodness arises out of our essential spiritual nature. Our sense of spirituality emerges when we are conscious (Chapter 2), ever present (Chapter 3), and good.
As it says in Genesis, "And God looked at everything He had made, and behold, it was very good." And as the biblical Psalm says, "The Lord is good," and "The earth is full of goodness of the Lord." All of us have an ever-present basic goodness that arises out of Spirit's inherent goodness within each of us.
Spirit's basic goodness can be covered over and hidden from view, but it can't be destroyed. We begin to feel it once we begin using breathing to pay attention and be present, or when we simply begin to recall our own good feelings.
You can do it right now. Even if you can only do it for a moment, take a slow, full breath in and out, bringing your attention to the present. Then recall any life-affirming things you've done in the past few days. Perhaps you did a favor for someone, encouraged a child, or talked with a troubled friend. Perhaps you reached out to someone with an open hand and a friendly smile. Maybe it was simply that you picked up a friend in need of a ride or got an item at the grocery you knew a neighbor wanted. It needn't have been a major event. Good acts, large or small, come from the same source within us, the wellspring of basic goodness.
Caring and a desire to help also come from basic goodness. Compassion is evoked when we experience and relate to others' pain, whether it's people we know or those we read about. Our caring about another's plight brings us closer to those who suffer, and we share some measure of their pain. Like our good acts, our compassion is also a manifestation of our basic goodness.
Caring and compassion are more comfortably evoked when we think of our love for a special grandmother or grandfather, a good parent, a helpful aunt or uncle, our own or another's child, or a loyal, loving pet. When we think of these relationships, we feel warmth, softens, openness, and caring flowing through us.
Thinking of all these feelings of caring, compassion, and the desire to help, we glimpse the basic goodness that lives within us.
Of course, not all of us feel this warmth in our heart. Many of us have uncomfortable feelings arise when we breathe and bring our attention to the present, or we just can't seem to find or experience our sense of kindness, compassion, or love. Or perhaps we can't breathe and be present because every time we attune to the present, what arises are our feelings of "badness," of guilt, or shame, or anger, or some other form of negativity that blocks our sense of basic goodness. Our soul is undernourished and hungry.
Sometimes we're lost in the storms of our personal life (guilt and self-criticism), but spiritual consciousness is always shining above the clouds, ever present, whether we're aware of it or not.
No matter how out of touch we may be, no matter how undeveloped or unrecognized out basic goodness, it always exists within each of us, ever ready to be uncovered and developed into a source of sustenance for our soul. What we must learn is a way to get beyond the bad feelings that we experience when we're present so we can find and experience the goodness within.
In the Beginning
Although the details and the metaphors differ, in nearly all major religions, human life comes from Spirit.
We can think of Spirit as an ocean of consciousness, all-good and all-knowing, vast and eternal. We can imagine this vast ocean at some point differentiating itself into waves, rising and cresting at the surface.
We can think of our self as one of these waves, a specific soul emerging from the vast ocean of Spirit, and ultimately manifesting in our incarnation in human form. Out of that grows our personality and our individual human life.
Throughout life, spiritual consciousness is always a part of us, our secret sound, our true identity, here with every breath we take. While we're always part of it, we're not always aware of ourselves as manifesting spiritual consciousness. Spiritual consciousness is knowingness, and it is everywhere about us, within us, and beyond us. Consciousness is the source of our awareness, that within each of us that knows, and that knows that it knows.
As all of creation is spiritually good, we, too, are born basically good. But once born, we now have our body and life to support within a physical and social world that presents us with endlessly complex problems to solve. This creates a "fall from grace," as we develop a personality where both our awareness and our goodness are filtered through our personal perspective and needs.
The personality is essential to keep our body alive, and to groom, nourish, and protect us, to successfully function in society, and to meet our many needs. Personality is what makes us feel separate from the ocean. It governs our endless choices based on our likes and dislikes, and on our drive to survive and succeed on our own in the world.
For example, as infants we begin by knowing and experiencing as "good" those things that feel good: warm milk sliding easily into our tummies, soft, clean diapers, a smiling face with gentle hands rocking and holding us. We're aware of all that feels good and helps us grow and survive. If it feels good, it is good. Our infant sense of a personal "good" is largely based on simple physical needs.
As our personality develops, we begin to learn that not everything that feels good actually is good. We also begin to learn that there exists a "greater" or "higher" good, which may not personally feel as good, but nevertheless is good. This higher good is embraced by all religions and is largely based on our spirituality.
It may be fun to throw our food, to eat dessert first, to take another's toys or hit a playmate who displeases us. But parents, teachers, and others who've already learned these lessons teach us that our personal good may not be appropriate behavior by the standards of the higher good. And we begin to judge out behavior and learn self-discipline even in the face of temptation.
We become aware of what's good, but is it to be our personal good (what feels good to our body and personality) or the higher good (guiding our actions by our social and spiritual conscience)? Constantly deciding between the two creates within us an ongoing struggle. We all face this inner tug-of-war, but children feel it most powerfully as they first try to cope with the dilemma of being "naughty or nice."Our daughter Amanda was no exception.
NAUGHTY OR NICE
When Mandy was four years old, our family attended an annual Christmas party held by some dear friends, Chuck and Kate. This party has developed its own traditions over the years, among them Jonathan playing Santa Claus and Chuck playing Chuckles the Elf.
Every year, sometime after dinner, both men would disappear and dress up in their elaborate costumes, transforming themselves into their holiday roles. Then, with the sound of sleigh bells and a lot of clanging and thumping, they appear, speaking in new voices as they cavort and hand out presents as everyone has a turn in Santa's lap.
Four-year-old Amanda, for whom Santa Claus was an unquestioned reality, was eager as ever for Santa's yearly visit. But that year, as our daughter looked into Santa's face, we knew the fantasy has come to an end. Amanda's eyes locked with her father's, and recognition followed by shock crossed her little face. With an almost miraculous poise for her age, Mandy didn't say a word. After momentarily closing her eyes and burying her face in Santa's shoulder, she continued the ruse, had her photo taken, accepted her gift, and jumped off Santa's lap to allow the next child a turn.
We had a parent huddle at the first opportunity, both of us keenly aware of Amanda's recognition, and decided to ask her if there was anything she wanted to discuss. Amanda, however, didn't want to talk about it at all.
Instead, assuming her most polite four-year-old self, she simply joined the other children, making no comment as they showed off their toys and relived Santa's visit.
During the following days, we both gently hinted at the topic and were surprised that Amanda still seemed unready to discuss it. Far from seeming upset or disillusioned, she seemed fine and even more well behaved than usual, cleaning up her room on her own and coming to ask permission to eat candy that her friends had given her.
Concluding that either we'd been mistaken about the recognition or Mandy simply didn't want to give up the fantasy of Santa Claus being real, we decided not to bring it up until she was ready, and we dropped the subject.
It wasn't until a year later that we understood the truth. A few hours before the annual Christmas party, we were talking about how great the previous year had gone when five-year-old Amanda said firmly, "I don't think it's been so great. It's been really hard."
"Hard? Why do you say that?" Diane asked.
Looking shy and as if she wasn't sure it was okay to say what she'd kept inside, Mandy said, "You know, because of you, Dad, and the secret," she confided hesitantly. "but I've been good, haven't I? I clean my room and I help, right?"
"Of course you've been good. But what about Dad? And what secret?"
Amanda twisted with the discomfort of suddenly being the focus of our combined attention.
"I know about him." Mandy went on, pointing a finger at her father. "I found out at the party last year. I wanted to tell, but I knew it was a secret."
"What secret?" Diane asked.;
"Well, you know about the song?"
"What song?"
"You know," she said, looking at us now as if we were both slightly imbecilic. "The song, You'd better not shout, you'd better not cry 'cause Santa will know if you're naughty or nice. You know that song. Well. Before I thought Santa wouldn't know everything. But when I saw that Santa is really my dad. Wow!" Her eyes grew huge. "I knew right then I had to be really nice!"
Poor Amanda. Imagine the pressure of thinking your father was the real Santa and that he was right in your own house where he'd know every instance of your good or bad acts, and that he'd keep a list and check it twice, just to find out if you were naughty or nice.;
A serious sit-down discussion immediately followed, with the truth being told that the original Santa, St. Nicholas, lived in the fourth century ("a long, long time ago"). And while he's no longer alive, the loving Spirit that gives and cares lives on in us all. And we remind each other to give and care by dressing up in costumes and living it out with trees, lights, cards, and presents every year.
By keeping the secret so as not to reveal her father's special identity, Amanda had demonstrated a basic consideration and self-control older than her years. But she'd also shown another common element of human nature.
The idea of being naughty or nice is taught very young and very simply. If you're nice by the standards set for you, you'll be rewarded; if naughty, you're in trouble. But at some point we begin asking ourselves who's determining what's naughty and what's nice. Who's really watching? And how likely are they to punish us?
This learning is crucial to our relationship not only to the world but, more important, to ourselves and our spirituality. As we get older and more sophisticated, we learn that "naughty"behavior is often tolerated, or even rewarded as we see that some people who break the rules get richer and more successful as a result.
Indeed, by emphasizing individual, material, and social success, society often ignores or penalizes those who are good, brave, truthful, compassionate, caring, and honest and who pursue a spiritual path. "Good guys finish last" is a common, and often true, saying, if outer, material success is the measure. And since many of us are far removed from our spiritual nature, this common axiom for success may be the only one we have.
This means that opening to our Spirit's basic goodness is an ongoing process made more complicated by our society's emphasis on individualism and material success.
A Deficit of Decency
A famous interviewer couldn't give up her profession even after death. So upon entering heaven, she asked for an interview with the Virgin Mary. The meeting was arranged, and once the Virgin Mary entered and was seated, the interviewer began.
"Please, Virgin Mary, the mothers of the world want to know: How does it feel to be the mother of someone millions of people consider the son of God?"
"Well, frankly," the Virgin replied, "we'd hoped he'd be a doctor.";
Being a doctor can certainly be, and is for many, a sacred calling, but the joke points to Western society's emphasis on practical, social success, which may actually go against our greater good. In so doing, a deficit of decency is created in which the motto is "Whatever it takes to get ahead." Along with an aggressively self-centered interpretation of "God helps those who help themselves."
Whatever the reasons, most people commit at least minor moral violations like white lies or "borrowing" things that aren't exactly theirs. And, as a result, while most of us want to follow a higher good, sometimes the temptation to compromise our values and go against our moral code becomes overwhelming in the face of the powerful drive to survive and succeed.
Then, when we violate our principles, we feel bad-guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, unworthy.
As a result, when we begin to seek greater spiritual awareness and focus on being conscious and present, we are more aware of who we are, including our self-criticism and guilt. We see that our personal deeds are out of alignment with our inner sense of goodness, and our spiritual light is covered over by the darkness of our morally deviant deeds.;
One of Diane's writing students, Sara, recently called for a consultation regarding a persistent case of writer's block. Sara had already published a very successful science-fiction novel, but in spite of her publisher's constant encouragement, she couldn't seem to work on the next book. "I sit down but nothing comes into my head. I feel really scared and I can't relax. It's as if I'm afraid to write this book,"she said, going on to describe her sense of despair.
After exploring the situation, it became clear that much of the source of her discomfort was the feeling that she felt she didn't deserve to be successful or to feel good about what she'd accomplished. Once she seriously considered this, she realized the source. Sara was trapped in a job in which she was working part-time in the evenings, telemarketing a pyramid scheme to seniors. She hated all the manipulation: "We don't exactly lie to these people," Sara said, "but we know how to use their fears of poverty and illness, and how to appeal to their greed to get rich quick."
Once she started talking about it, she realized just how unhappy she was. "I can't just quit my job. It's perfect hours for taking classes and writing, and it brings in regular money to pay the bills. But the whole thing is making me feel like I don't deserve anything good when I spend so much time doing things that are hurting these people."
It was clear that her sense of guilt was keeping Sara from feeling good about herself and was undermining her writing career.;
Diane taught Sara the Basic Spiritual Diet, and when Sara began taking beginning and second breaths to be aware in the moment, she found feelings of unworthiness, guilt and shame that kept her from resting comfortably in the present. Many people feel the same. We take a deep, relaxed breath and try to be fully awake, here and now, but we don't feel comfortable inside our own skin. Our sense of self feels tarnished. Some of us know the origin of our guilty and negative feelings. For others, the causes are unclear and we feel lost in the midst of bad feeling.
We're running from our self and we don't want to see our self fully, because we're uncomfortable with what we see. We're hiding from our self, and our feeling of being tarnished blocks our spiritual awareness. We might feel down or depressed, or tense and busy, or we might be bingeing on food, shopping, or alcohol.;
Whatever their source, bad feelings, like shame, guilt, and embarrassment, block our being fully in the present because they bring up these unpleasant feelings that make us uncomfortable, and we emotionally withdraw to where we can't feel them. For some, the negative feelings are warranted by negative things we've done or are doing. If I feel that I'm not okay, then how can I be awake and relaxed in the present?
On the other hand, many of us who are not violating our basic goodness feel guilty anyway. For such people, our shame and guilt may be undeserved, but exist nonetheless. Excessive self-criticism, unrealistically high expectations, and unwarranted shame and guilt make many people feel terrible, even though they basically act in keeping with their values and honor their moral codes.
Not appreciating our expressions of basic goodness is like eating a good meal but failing to extract the nutrients.;
Violating our principles obviously creates a barrier that keeps us from aligning with Spirit, but an equally destructive block is not appreciating what we're doing right and being unnecessarily self-critical and not appreciating our expressions of basic goodness. This pattern of negativity unnecessarily deprives us of good feeling.
Excessive Self-Criticism
"I'm not good enough." Have you heard, thought, and felt this before? Virtually all of us have. Why?
While we are born with basic goodness, as we grow into children, teens, and adults, our value is increasingly measured against what we or others accomplish, what grades we get in school, how we look, our success in sports and other activities, how much we're fulfilling our potential, our likeability and charm, and our general level of success in the social, job, and material world.
We're evaluated and learn to evaluate ourselves and others based on achievements and expectations. We're often taught to emphasize what's "wrong" rather than what's "right," so we find ourselves focusing most on our lacks and limitations, our errors and inadequacies, our shame and guilt, our faults and flaws. A common source of self-criticism was brought home to us one day by our son Nicholas.
THE RED -3
Nick, our oldest child, was always a happy, energetic kid who'd usually come running or skipping out of school. But one fall day, when Nick was six years old, I (Jonathan) was parked outside at the curb when I saw Nick walking slowly toward me. His curly head hung low, his mouth turned down, a bunch of papers in his hand. Nick seemed to drag himself along the sidewalk. He slowly pulled open the car door and slumped into the seat.
"Hi, Nick. How are you doing?" I asked.
; No response.
"What's goin' on? Did something bad happen today?"
Nick slowly nodded yes before turning his face away. But of course I'm a psychologist---I couldn't control myself.
"Oh, come on, Nick. Tell your old dad what's wrong," I prodded.;
"I'm bad," Nick said at last.;
"Bad? Why do you say that?";
Nick handed over a crumpled paper.;
Smoothing it out revealed rows of math problems. A big, red "-3" dominated the top.;
"Look," Nick said, tears running down his cheeks, his lips quivering in an attempt at self-control. He pointed at the glaring red mark. "Look, Dad, I got a bad grade."
After considering for a long moment, I said, "That minus three doesn't mean you're bad or that you got a bad grade, Nick. It means you missed just three problems on this whole paper. Your teacher wants you to learn from your mistakes. But that's not all that counts. How many did you get right?"
Nick had no idea. So I started counting up the correct ones that weren't marked, pointing at each one as I went. By the tenth correct one, Nick had joined in the counting, and by the time we'd gotten to twenty-seven, Nick's tearstained cheeks were showing signs of happiness. I had him write a big black +27 next to the red -3.
"There. Twenty-seven right." Nick absorbed the truth for a moment before his usual bright smile reinstated itself on his little-boy face. The subject was changed and the day went on.
Nick was able to find a good lesson in the red -3. But most of us never learn this lesson. Most of us grow up with a barrage of criticism at home or school, be it direct or implied. Since we learn and adapt to what's familiar, our own inner voice criticizes us automatically, and we apply this criticalness to ourselves and the world. Frequently, we develop a radar system that takes for granted the things we do right, while it scans for what's missing or wrong in ourselves and in life. We come to feel that we (and maybe also our life, as well as others) are "bad"-inadequate, incompetent, incomplete, shameful, unworthy, or unlovable.
Of course, high expectations and learning from our mistakes are extremely valuable. They help us grow and improve.
But at the same time, excessive self-criticism and ever-rising expectations wound us, as we inwardly wonder, "Why am I not smarter, better looking, more successful, sexier in bed, earning more, thinner, more fun, less tired, saving more money, a better parent, more efficient, better at math, doing more exercise, and able to resist chocolate?"
And Western culture magnifies and reinforces these self-criticisms through magazines, TV, ads, etc. Of course, our expectations can bring out the best in us, and we do learn from our guilt and shame to correct our behavior. But excessively high expectations and harsh self-criticism are so common that nearly all modern westerners feel some degree of inadequacy and wounded self-esteem. The resulting anxiety and depression are among the most frequent reasons why people go to psychologists and other therapists.
Excessive self-criticism, deserved and undeserved guilt, separate us from our spirituality and weigh us down with a sense of "badness"that interferes with our good feelings. This leads to experiencing meaninglessness, depression, anxiety, phoniness, and feeling undeserving of whatever success we may achieve. It interferes with our being able to enjoy our self, or experience wonder, awe, and closeness with others.
Hiding our failings or inadequacies adds to the masks we wear. Embarrassment, frustration, and defensiveness all contribute to a hardening of personality and the creation of a thick layer covering our spiritual awareness.
Basically Bad
Many people feel bad. Guilt comes from those acts done or not done. Shame is created by what I am or am not. Embarrassment comes from feeling foolish. All of these wound our personality. Bad feelings make us unable to settle down and feel comfortable with our self. Our consciousness is scattered, our breath is constricted, and our light is clouded over.
Perhaps we felt deprived of love, attention, safety, or intimacy. Maybe we were emotionally, mentally, physically, or sexually abused. Maybe we were excessively self-centered or self-indulgent and have acted thoughtlessly. Maybe we've done things we know are wrong. Or perhaps we're just very self-critical and demanding.
Whatever the reasons, many of us feel inadequate and incompetent and have become depressed or dysfunctional. Feeling bad casts a darkness over one's whole life. Relationship problems, wrong decisions, and bad habits often follow like gray on a cloudy day.
Our inner problems may make being in touch with basic goodness harder, but each of us must also contend with the realities of a modern world, making it doubly difficult.
Living in the Real World with Basic Goodness
We may want to nurture our goodness, but in the real world it's difficult to always make the choice of the higher good. We live with a constant adult version of the "naughty or nice" dilemma with which we saw Mandy struggle, after she found herself in the same house with Santa Claus.
Maybe we're doing what we shouldn't or not doing what we should. And, of course, we alone know the "whole truth" about our self. Maybe we should feel guilty about something we have or haven't done, or ashamed about something we are or are not. And we don't know what to do about the real-world pressures.
When Richard began to use the Basic Spiritual Diet (breathing for attention and presence) along with awareness of his basic goodness, he realized more fully that he was habitually put in the position of supporting and agreeing with his dishonest boss's attitudes and actions when, in truth, he didn't agree with them at all. This made Richard feel terrible, and as he became more conscious of his circumstances, his job became more difficult, and he had trouble falling asleep at night.;
Richard wanted to disagree with his boss, but several people in his family depended on his earnings, and he feared taking the risk. Often our life has been constructed without our spirituality in mind. And when we begin to be more fully present and awake, we may feel more frustrated with our current situation.
As Richard became more aware of his situation, he realized that there were several possibilities. He could (1) tell his boss he objected to his business practices and risk losing his job; (2) find a middle path where he might say nothing to his boss and try to somehow sidestep the problem; (3) try to change his position or role within the company or get a different supervisor; or (4) look for another job or start a business of his own.
The path of greatest truth has the greatest spiritual strength. But sometimes, putting truth back into our life is difficult when it hasn't been there in a long time.
Maybe we need to make big changes in our self or our circumstances that will take a lot of time and effort. Or maybe we need more self-discipline to moderate our life. Or maybe we need to be more confident to take a risk. Or maybe we need better skills, so we'll successfully make the changes. Perhaps we need patience and perseverance.;
Being aware in the present, Richard began to keep his eyes open for opportunities to make things better. This is often all that many of us feel comfortable doing, as we wait for a time when we can change our situation to be more in keeping with our basic goodness.;
Richard felt that for the time being, he had to keep his job and continue backing up his boss. But in keeping with being present and aware, he refused to lie to himself and decided to (1) be present as he supported his boss's lies, consciously aware of what he was choosing to do; (2) accept the guilt he felt, realizing that it was separating him from his basic goodness; and (3) acknowledge that for the sake of his family, he was sacrificing himself and a part of his relationship with his spirituality.
Over time, by knowing and fully acknowledging what we're doing, we at least limit the damage that lying does to our self, we maintain consciousness, and, at the same time, we work to change our life situation so that, as soon as possible, we can escape the harmful situation.
If you're guilty, you need to straighten up. If you're excessively self-critical, you need to lighten up.
So we deal with our sense of guilt and wrongdoing by being conscious and doing our best to live out our basic goodness. Wrongdoing calls for a course correction in our behavior. And we can also deal with our excessive self-criticism and undeserved guilt by having compassion for our self.
Guilt can be softened by understanding the complexity of our situation, admitting past wrongdoings to our self, being aware of present violations of basic goodness, making amends for misdeeds whenever possible, and making strong and sincere efforts to do the right thing in the future. Then we're aligning ourself with Spirit to the extent possible at the moment.;
It's important to deal with our negative feelings, for our personality hardens like a shell surrounding us and shuts us in, blocking our spiritual presence and awareness. Like a hungry soul, we are cut off from spiritual sustenance.;
The more often and the more seriously we have (or believe we have) gone against our basic goodness, the thicker our shell. Fortunately, there's a good answer-soul food.
Good Spirit
As we said earlier, the great ocean of original Spirit of which we are made is inherently good and is the source of our basic goodness. Expressions of goodness include positive, life-affirming thoughts, feelings, and acts, all of which feed and nourish us when we do what's right and digest the results. That's our soul food.;
The prophet Muhammad said, "What actions are most excellent? To gladden the heart of a human being, to feed the hungry, to help the afflicted, to lighten the sorrow of the sorrowful, and to remove the wrongs of the injured."
Jesus said, "Blessed are the pure of heart."A picture in a church shows Jesus with his heart surrounded by a halo of fire, his face the essence of serenity and beauty, a visual image of spiritual love and goodness.;
St. Augustine believed that all of God's creation is good.;
Judaism speaks of the importance of yetzer ha tov, good intentions needed to counteract evil. God bestows loving kindness on humanity.;
The Buddha taught, "Speak or act with a pure mind, and happiness will follow you as your shadow, unshakable." And,
To refrain from evil,;
To achieve the good,;
To purify one's own mind,;
This is the teaching of All Awakened Ones.;
The Dalai Lama says, "My true religion is kindness. All religions and teachings teach us to be a good human being, to be a warmhearted person, to be honest and compassionate.; The most important thing is to have a good heart."
A Persian proverb says, "We come into the world crying while all around us are smiling. May we so live that we go out of this world smiling while all around us are crying."
Bishop Gregory of Nyssa said in the fourth century, "Blessed are the clean of heart, for they shall see God."
The Polynesian Maori writer Cleve Barlow writes, " Aroha in a person is an all-encompassing quality of goodness, expressed by love for people, land, birds and animals, fish and all living things. A person who has aroha for another expresses genuine concern towards them and acts with their welfare in mind, no matter what their state of health or wealth. It is the act of love that adds quality and meaning to life."
All of these are expressions of spiritual goodness from different cultures and times. An eternal expression of basic goodness that appears in all the major religions is the Golden Rule. For millennia, the Golden Rule has been a way for us to heal bad feelings and to judge, measure, and control our behavior.
Golden Rules
; "As a bee goes to make honey, so too should we
produce the spiritual sweetness of good works."
--ABBOT JOHN THE DWARF
The Golden Rule---Do unto others as you would have others do unto you---can be found in some form in nearly every religion.
; American Indian Shawnee: Do no wrong nor hate your neighbor, for it is not he that you
; wrong; you wrong yourself.;
; Buddhism: Hurt not others with that which pains yourself.;
; Christianity: All things ye would that men should do unto you, even so do ye unto them.
; Confucianism: What you do not want done to yourself, do not do unto others.;
; Hinduism: Do naught to others which, if done to thee, would cause thee pain; this is the sum
; of duty.;
; Islam: No one is a true believer unless he desireth for his brother that which he desireth for
; himself.;
; Judaism: What thou thyself hatest, do to no man [or woman].;
; Zoroastrianism: That nature is good when it shall not do unto another whatever is not good for
; its own self.
The Ten Commandments, in one form or another, are also a universal manifestation of spiritual goodness that serve as a life-affirming guide to daily behavior. Worship one God (spiritual oneness), don't worship idols (the many and the material), have one day each week devoted to rest and holiness, don't dishonor God, honor your father and mother, don't murder, don't commit adultery, don't steal, don't lie, don't lust after your neighbor's house or wife (or husband) or anything else that doesn't belong to you. Each of these instructions aligns our personality's behavior with Spirit.
The Buddha's Eightfold Path to find freedom from unhappiness is also a manifestation of spiritual goodness, teaching us to practice correct action, speech, livelihood, mindfulness, concentration, effort, view, and thought.
Though morality is taught in our families and culture, basic goodness is inherent and runs deep in our spiritual nature. Even zoologists studying higher primates find that basic rights, justice, and fairness are common. Chimpanzees kiss to make up after a fight, they stroke and embrace each other to offer consolation, and they show sympathy and empathy for each other.
The Golden Rule fosters survival of community, the species, life, and growth, and is a way for all of us to assess and guide our actions.
Basic Goodness Account;
"A man's [and woman's] true wealth is the good he [and she] does in this world."
--MUHAMMED
We can think of ourselves as each having a personal Basic Goodness Account. We make deposits into our account by acting in keeping with Spirit and with society's highest values, and by being aware of our basically good acts.;
When we follow the Golden Rule, Ten Commandments, Eightfold Path, or our own moral code, we add to our Basic Goodness Account. Our good acts and efforts enrich us personally and spiritually.
When personality does good deeds and good intentions, it aligns itself with Spirit. We gain more respect in our own eyes. We feel that we're a "better person" than we were before, and we grow more comfortable and fond of our self. Then when we're consciously being aware in the present, we can more easily feel our basic goodness.
When we violate the Golden Rule, the Commandments, the Eightfold Path, or society's codes of good behavior, we withdraw good feeling from our account. Guilt, shame, and self-disparagement debit our account of good feeling and we lose respect in our own eyes. But, while misbehavior debits our account, we can always seek our own forgiveness, God's (Jesus', Buddha's, the Great Spirit's?) forgiveness, or the forgiveness of anyone to whom we owe an apology.
We can acknowledge our wrongdoing and make efforts to correct the wrong, doing our best to make amends where and when we can, and not repeating the misdeed.;
We'll never be perfect (from personality's perspective), but as we grow spiritually and morally, we find that recognizing and behaving in keeping with basic goodness is much more automatic. We find that basic goodness arises naturally from spending more time being awake and aware in the present.;
Jesus said, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you so that you may be children of your Father in heaven, for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." Jesus' showering of love on whoever is present is an expression of advanced spirituality that is beyond our personality's comprehension.
Buddha said, "Like a mother who protects her child, her only child, with her own life, one should cultivate a heart of unlimited love and compassion towards all living beings."
It is to the experienced student that Rajneesh is speaking when he says, "First you be, and once you are, then it is not a mission. Once you are blissful, then you don't go out of your way to help others-your very being is a help wherever you are; you don't make it a profession. The way you are, wherever are, you help."
This is part of what, in the East, is called the Royal Path, the inner wisdom of those who've evolved and matured as human beings. To walk the Royal Path is for personality to be merged with Spirit, so basic goodness is a natural outgrowth of normal living.;
When we've grown enough to see that we are the world, and that others are also part of our larger Self as conscious humankind, then we act out of universal spiritual goodness rather than personal self-interest.;
There are many specific ways to be in touch with and to express our basic goodness, all of which provide us with natural nourishment and add to out Basic Goodness Account. We can use the Basic Goodness Menu to see the good things we do each day, week, or month, feeding our self spiritual and psychological nourishment.;
Read through the list below and see if you can add items of your own. Think about the small and big ways our efforts, intentions, and actions express basic goodness.;
And keep in mind that since our old patterns have a life of their own, we may have to make great effort in the beginning of any change. Once a new pattern is established, we can let ourselves go with the spiritual flow. When we become a spontaneous expression of basic goodness, we're enriched and nourished.;
The Spiritual Diet's basic goodness recommendation:;
; 1. Each day, choose items from the Basic Goodness Menu to nourish your soul.;
; 2. Aim your energies at more fully aligning your daily life with basic goodness.
; 3. Appreciate the good that you do.;
Basic Goodness Menu
Caring about others: tucking in our child with a kiss good night, sincerely asking how another feels and listening to his or her answer, being supportive of a friend with a family problem, being moved to sadness by another's plight, circulating a birthday card for a coworker, taking a pet out for a walk?
Helping others: calling a sick friend, running an errand for a family member, starting a neighbor's dead battery, volunteering or making charitable contributions?
Spiritual involvement: going to church, temple, synagogue, nature, or reading spiritual material, being attentive, praying, just being?
Moral actions: following the Golden Rule, the Ten Commandants, Eightfold Path, and other forms of ethical behavior (truth telling, not killing, not stealing)?
Being conscientious: trying to be conscientious and doing a good job at work and home, caring about our natural world (growing a garden, not polluting, cleaning up after ourselves, recycling), being a good parent/child/partner/friend, trying to understand the other's point of view?
Doing well by others: having the intent of doing the right thing, wanting to be helpful, aiming to be considerate, trying to be compassionate and forgiving, trying to understand the other's point of view?;
Consideration of others: letting a pedestrian or car go ahead. Letting someone have his or her way, cleaning up after ourselves, thinking of another's point of view?
Forgiveness and compassion: letting things go that bothered, hurt, or annoyed us, being understanding of the other's side, empathizing with others?
Good manners: acknowledging others, using a genuine "Hello,""How are you?," "Thank you," "Please," handshake, pat on the back, a friendly hug?
Basic being: realizing our value and worth by virtue of simply being, feeling our warm heart of loving kindness, appreciating our underlying spiritual preciousness.
All of these are ways to nourish our soul and our personality, while aligning personality with spirituality's basic goodness. Each day we can look for opportunities to live out our basic goodness and learn to appreciate our actions and our effort, nurturing and nourishing both our personality and our soul and helping us lose the weight of the world.
Experiencing Basic Goodness
"The point to be grasped is this, that HEART
means the very Core of one's being, the Center,
without which there is nothing whatever. The
Heart is the undifferentiated Light of pure
Consciousness."
--RAMANA MAHARSHI
Awareness is the light of human consciousness, and presence is our home. Goodness comes from our heart, the core of our being, the light of our life, the warmth in our home. With attention and presence we calm ourselves, and connect with our spiritual side, our eternal Self, ever ready to greet us as our personality rests, content and complete in the moment, if only for a moment.
We can allow our self to slow down while we're reading these words. Breathing and being aware in the moment. Following a breath in and out, and then another and another until our thoughts begin to slow down.
For a moment, we're in the moment. Aware of where we are, the colors and shapes, the sounds, the sense of having a physical body, the feelings within our body. We're aware and we're present and we're present and we're present. Like the clear tones of a bell awakening us in the moment. Bong! Bong! Bong!
For a moment, we can feel our self in the midst of the world. We can focus attention on goodness by recalling some good things we may have done. Perhaps we'll recall a time when we were a child and we loved something or someone very much-maybe a dog or cat or a best friend or a close family member. We can all recall times we've felt and acted compassionately and find a softness within, a sense of caring and compassion for people or pets or places we love and loved.
We can feel warmth and goodness inside, making our personality feel good. Think of instances of goodness and be present with these feelings.
Once we're aware of this sense of goodness, we can go more deeply and look within to where the goodness comes from, to the impulse that made us care, nurture, and be compassionate. We can focus on the natural urge to help, love, provide, or protect. As we relax even more, we can take a full, slow, conscious breath and be where we are. Nowhere to go and nothing to do right now.
Breathing, being, and caring. Following a conscious breath in through our heart and a restful breath out through our heart.
In through our heart, out through our heart.
In, out...
There may be a warmth, an opening, a softening of our chest. Maybe tears come to our eyes as our vulnerability exposes deeper, more hidden feelings. Maybe sad feelings of family, friends, or pets we've loved and who are long gone come to the surface. That's natural and cleansing. Let the wave of sadness and loss come and go, flowing through us now, sadness and love. In through our heart, out through our heart?
We can allow our self to relax where we are for a moment. Our breathing targets (where the air enters and leaves our nose and mouth) help us aim our awareness and presence-breathing in, being here, breathing out, resting now, our abdomen rising and falling. Breathing in, recalling a recent kindness, breathing out, feeling basic goodness. Imagine goodness inside, bright yellow, glowing, golden, filling us with warmth. We can feel the glowing within our own chest and it feels so good, even if only for a moment. Perhaps a smile comes to our face as we appreciate the living, loving, and basically good consciousness that's always within us. Breathing attentively and relaxing, feeling the good feeling. In through the heart, out through the heart.;
Awareness gradually expands beyond our personal self to include the spiritual source of basic goodness, as the personal and spiritual flow together like streams into the sea.;
When we take a full, relaxed breath, and rest where we are with a good heart, we can smile with deep love. We can feel the fresh cleanness as we step from our shower. We can enjoy a spring breeze on our skin and the fresh air in our lungs.;
Our experience of goodness connects our personal, separate self with Spirit and is a manifestation of Spirit. And, as we sense basic goodness and feel our caring, we realize it's not just our self that is important. As we feel goodness, we connect with others, sensing our self in them. We can open to the larger consciousness of which we're all a part. We are the world. Each of us is woven into the fabric of life.;
We see that when we experience and act in keeping with our basic goodness, we are an expression of God. Spiritual goodness lives itself out through our good acts, kind thoughts, and compassionate feelings, and makes the world as better and more loving place. Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan writes:
We see that the commandments are a special means that God gave us to experience the Divine.; Imagine that you are in love.You are constantly trying to do things to please your beloved and draw closer to him or her.; The same is true of God's commandments. These are not acts that one does on one's own to express one's love for God, but acts that God has asked us to do as an expression of this love. If one keeps God in mind when observing a commandment, the experience can be one of overwhelming love for and closeness to the Divine.
Spirit manifests in the world through us. Each of us can be a clear and loving expression of our basically good spiritual nature. To the extent that we act out of goodness, the world is that much of a better and more loving place.
We eat and are eaten. We consume life and are consumed by it. We are part of the food chain, as our bodies ultimately return to the natural world from which we came-food for worms and birds, flowers and fruit, molecules floating in the air. The Upanishads says, "I am the food of life and I am he who eats the food of life.";
The two staples of the Basic Spiritual Diet are awareness and presence. Feeling and acting on our basic goodness is the third course of the Spiritual Diet. We can cook up a recipe that includes being awake, present, and good.
What Can I Do?;
The "Soul Food" Recipe
1. Focus on feeling your basic goodness while consciously breathing and being present.;
The Basic Spiritual Diet recommends taking daily breaths (full and slow, in and out with awareness, here and now). Then recognize and foster basic goodness.;
An example of a Spiritual Diet Recipe would be a beginning and a second breath to be aware and present, and a third breath to be aware of our basic goodness. Perhaps we could say to our self with our third breath, "Fine as I am," while being aware of a recent good act. Or if we're struggling to align our daily life with our basic goodness, we could say to our self, "God (Jesus, Great Spirit?), help me"or "God, give me strength to change." We can repeat our recipe each day and especially whenever we feel our soul in need of nourishment.
We can make it our daily aim to be awake, present, and good as much as possible. The more fully we aim in this life-affirming direction, the more easily living a good life becomes. When we're aware of our basic goodness and are doing what we can to live it out, we can view our self positively and this helps us to be present and comfortable with our self.;
It's helpful to think of this as a circle of goodness: When we do good, we feel good, and then we can more fully rest where we are and how we are. Then we're more fully in the present and more aware. And as we're more present, we're more aware of our goodness, and then we more easily act in keeping with our natural goodness, and that makes us feel good-and so on as the circle of goodness keeps turning:
;
2. Eating good food nourishes our body, and a daily diet of basic goodness nourishes our soul. Look for opportunities to fill up with basic goodness, acting on the thought, feeling or impulse to understand, care, and help. We can consciously breathe in and out through our heart, feeling our caring and acting on the inner impulse to love and help each day. And then we need to appreciate our good acts.
When someone needs something you can give, give what you can. Buy an extra can of food when you go shopping, and when you've filled a grocery bag, donate it to a homeless shelter. Look for small opportunities to care, help, and do some good. Appreciate what you're doing and recognize the spiritual source behind it all.
3. Everyday life can help us. Keep the Basic Goodness Menu in mind. Keep alert for opportunities to make the world one or two ways better.
Feel the glowing warmth in your heart, breathing in with awareness, breathing out with rest and relaxation. We will create a welcoming home sweet home of caring and compassion, for our self and others.
4. Regardless of our religion, or even if we don't follow an organized religion, we can all welcome Jesus' teachings of love and the Dalai Lama's teachings of kindness into our life and our heart. Love, kindness, charity, and compassion can be an important part of our daily Spiritual Diet philosophy of life.
5. Focus on healing and nourishing our self. Many people's personalities are heavily weighted with emotional wounds, and it's difficult to feel good and express our goodness when we're preoccupied with unhappiness, worries, or pain. (See Chapter 8 for ways to properly process unpleasant and uncomfortable emotions.) To heal ourselves we can nourish our personality and soul with a Good Feeling File.
Create a file in which you put anything that heals your wounds, makes you feel good about yourself, and shows evidence of your acting in keeping with basic goodness. A note of thanks from Grandma goes in the file, along with a certificate of appreciation. Any awards or good evaluations. And write down any nice comments made to you about yourself (with name and date). You can also put in pictures and names of people you care about. If you want, you can keep a log of your efforts to express goodness.
The God Feeling File is nourishment for both personality and soul. It mends our emotional bruises, changes our perspective and behavior, and aligns our personal and spiritual life. We should develop a habit of adding good things to our file.
6. Find and develop a loving inner mother, father, grandmother, or grandfather. Many people are deeply wounded at some time during childhood, and throughout life have a sense of basic badness and a hard time finding their basic goodness. We can help and heal our self by finding and developing a loving inner mother, father, grandmother, or grandfather-a healthy, supportive, and caring part of our self that is centered in spiritual basic goodness. Whatever form it takes, we can find this older, calmer, wiser, and safer part of life and carry it in our own mind and heart.
7. We can care about our self, understanding and appreciating all we've been through. We can have compassion for our self and our suffering, and find forgiveness, allowing our self to more fully relax with who and what we are. We can soften excessive self-criticism and avoid excessively focusing on the three wrong answers and find the twenty-seven correct answers in our life. We can contribute to our Basic Goodness Account. Then we can feel a deep love for our self , for the pain and struggles we've endured. We can understand and find forgiveness, enabling us to let go and move on. And when we learn to have caring and compassion for our self, we can move beyond the hurt, guilt, or shame.
Our warm heart of love can create self-forgiveness and patience, and warm us with its glow, helping us to have more respect for our self. We can look our self in the eye and be on intimate terms with our self and our world, healing us and lightening our burden.
Learn to give yourself love, understanding, friendship, forgiveness, and compassion, diminishing your dependence on others for love and acceptance. Instead of the usual search for love and acceptance from the world outside, when we live out our basic goodness and appreciate it, we find that we contain an unlimited supply of inner intimacy, friendliness, and warmth.;
8. Some people have serious problems that this book will not solve. These people should seek life-affirming, professional help to change their ingrained personality patterns.
9. We must live and act responsibly, with self-control and self-discipline, in keeping with both spiritual values and the highest values of society. But we don't need to beat our self up for wrongdoing. We can find forgiveness and follow Jesus' instruction to "go forth and sin no more.";
10. Keep growing forward. Spiritual growth is not a matter of memorization or accumulation. In fact, we grow spiritually by a process of subtraction as we lose the weight of the world; less personal struggle and pain, more Spirit, presence, and peace.
What matters is awareness and presence, which deepen with time and experience. Our aim and intent are powerful psychological forces which we can use throughout life. When we aim and intend to breathe consciously in the present, in and out of our heart center, we grow in attention, presence, and kindness. In time-be it days, weeks, months, or years-the power and influence of the Spiritual Diet's heartfelt course of basic goodness will have its life-affirming effect.;
Basic goodness brings about the possibility of being on intimate, caring terms with our self and the world around us. When we walk a path in accordance with our heart, honor our values, and are present and attentive where we are, we begin to appreciate the incredible gift we've been given by simply being alive.;
Permission is granted to download and reproduce Chapter 4 in part or in its entirety, for personal use or for distribution to individuals or groups without charge or restriction as long as the books title, authors, and publisher are acknowledged.
